Learnig to Let Go

Recently I started seeing a counselor, not because I'm crazy or even on a verge of a meltdown but because I wanted to prevent that from happening in the future. When I get stressed or even burnt out I suffer from the physical systems of tense & sore muscles, insomnia, clenched teeth, chest pains and recently acne. I'm sure I'm not the only one but I decided that I refuse to let myself continue to act like a victim. I wanted to take control of my life and lead a happy, healthy one. And that's what I've been working on lately.

So back to the sessions with my counselor. One of the things she has me working on is "Emotional Maturity". She says that this is the last form of maturity that people achieve and some people never get there. Its the ability to know what you can control and when you should do something about it.

To illustrate this idea she gave me a sheet titled "Locus of Control & Sphere of Influence" with the diagram below. An emotionally mature person spends there time in the Mastery and Letting Go quadrants.

If you are wondering what the difference is between these four, here's the definitions that were provided on the sheet:

• Mastery is taking action on things you can control. It is not about perfection. It is about a process, a journey. Staying on the path day after day, year after year. The master is the one who is willing to try and fail, and try again. Doing something different when what you are doing is not working.
• Ceaseless striving is trying to control or effect things beyond your control or sphere of influence. Spinning your wheels. Reacting. Never feeling a sense of accomplishment. "Doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result!"
• Giving up is not taking action on things you could control or you could influence. Acting helpless. Feeling like a victim.
• Letting Go is not trying to control what is out of your control and influence. Not feeling guilty or resentful. It is a choice. A physical feeling of relief and release.

She then went on to explain that your sphere of "Control" is YOU - your thoughts, values, emotions, beliefs & actions. No one else is in there with you but then there is the sphere of "Influence" which can include people like your immediate family, close friends, co-workers. You can't make these people do anything they don't want to do but they respect your opinion and will take your advice. The last sphere is that of "Concern", the people that are included in this area are people you may care about, have opinions on their actions and may want to be involved with but they do not want your advice or help. They will not listen. So you can be concerned  about their welfare but any action to help will be pointless.

My goal right now is to start identifying whether I actually have control of a situation and if I don't, to learn to step back and LET GO rather then continually repeat the same story over and over again, which leads to stress and hurt feelings on my end. Its a work in process, and goes across the board - work, friends, family & home life.

She gave me a poem to read that reinforces the meaning of letting go, author unknown. I think its worth sharing...

TO LET GO

To let go does not mean to stop caring,

It means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the

realization I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable, but to allow

learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness,

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,

but to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for,

but care about.

To let go is not to fix,

but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge, but to allow

another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,

It's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,

But instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,

But to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anybody,

But to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,

but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

******

What do you think? Do you have things in your life that you need to let go of?